There are a number of types of different people at the bar. In fact there’s probably hundreds of different types of people at any given bar (and we’re not talking about the bartender or the waitresses…). I’ve selected 5 of them to analyze and warn you about before you head out to the local pub for a pint. This go ’round you’ll read about The Typical Douchebag, The Slunk, The Confrontational Guy, The Weird Lurker, and The Regular. Read on and be warned!

1. The Typical Douchebag

We all know a douchebag or two. A douchebag is someone who has surpassed the levels of jerk and asshole, however not yet reached fucker or motherfucker… also not to be confused with a feminine douche (sic). Once this guy knows you, it all goes down hill from there. Like a rabid-vulture salesman, once his foot is in the door there’s absolutely no stopping him. He talks louder than anyone else, makes outrageous demands, begs, borrows, steals, and pisses salt all over your game.

Keep in mind the common douchebag has no particular target, except the closest pair of breasts. He simply fires cock-blockage in all directions like a giant salt-volcano of anti-sex. They’re easily identified by popped collars (you can gauge douchebaggery by the number of layers of popped collars), fake tans, diamond earrings, and perfectly spiked hair.

2. The Slunk

A slunk is a hybrid word standing for “slutty drunk”. Not to infer that she’s underclothed (although most of them usually are) or shows way too much cleavage (although most of them usually do). She’s sometimes attractive and sometimes uglier than a hatfull of assholes. You can only be sure of two things when it comes to slunks and that’s her being drunk and wanting it bad. Really bad. She usually flirts outrageously and makes goofy comments like “Oh my gah it’s been so long since I’ve had sex!â€? or requests rides home from random guys. If you manage to carry on a conversation with her, it will usually be about how much sex she had with her last boyfriend.

The common Slunk is equipped with an asshole-radar. This allows her to select the worst most morally-devoid drunks in the bar to go home with and breed children so ugly that when they pop out they turn them over and declare “twins!”

3. The Confrontational Guy

Similar to the douchebag, this guy just has it out for everyone. You could accidentally bump into him on your way to the bar and next thing you know you’re picking barstool out of your teeth. They are often the chameleon of the bar scene, appearing to fit into other bar-goer categories before he loses his cool. A majority of the time they may appear to be the happy-hour drinker fresh off of work or the bar-regular who’s there every single night before spiraling into a mad frenzy and threatening to “take it outside”.

You’re pretty much screwed if this guy targets you because once he’s picked his target he won’t do anything else but talk smack and follow you around all night. Time to go to another bar. Luckily for you, he’s very unlikely to remember you the next weekend and once he’s picked another target, you’re in the clear.

4. The Weird Lurker

This guy will just kind of appear out of nowhere. He tends to stand at the edge of your conversation circle and just hang out on the fringe of conversation. When you notice him he’ll typically get nervous, start sipping from his beer and make a trip around the bar checking out the wallpaper. Don’t take your eyes off of him long because he’ll be right back. He may or may not know anyone at the bar and is probably just there by himself. The Weird Lurker is also known to lurk in the shadowy corners of the bar or is seen sitting at the table full of people, with his chair pulled back just enough, that you’re not sure if he’s actually sitting with them or not. He wants desperately to be included in the conversation but lacks the confidence to actually ever open his mouth.

The resulting social impotence is displayed by nervous shifting, fake-laughing, and holding his beer at chin level as to hide behind it. He spends most of the night like a busy beaver, building a soggy dam of self-confidence. Then near the end of the evening he buys a round or asks to go along to a party, forcing everyone to look at each other and wonder who the hell this guy is. For the most part the Weird Lurker is completely harmless, but don’t let your guard down for long because he may just be a Confrontational Guy in diguise!

5. The Regular

There’s a regular at every bar. He’s the guy that’s been going there since the day it opened (or at least that’s what he’ll tell you) and he’s tremendously proud of the fact that he loathes every other bar in existence and has been at this one since 3 that afternoon (it’s now 11). He usually has his harem of regulars that sit around him at the bar..and while they haven’t been regulars quite as long as he has, still insist that it’s the best bar ever. Because he’s been there every night for 5 years he interacts well with the bartenders and waitresses.

The Regular usually drinks the same drink over and over again and hits the same level of inebriation every time. At a certain point in time he will begin bitching about the sad state of the bar and explain how it used to be “so much better� than it is now and makes a loud point that the current patrons have absolutely no business being there. He essentially wants the bar to himself and as a result will become hostile to those around him (potential Confrontational Guy!) when he realizes that it is not in-fact his bar.